I was married in the beautiful Mayan Riviera on November 16th, 2013. It was the most perfect of days. For me, thinking back to my wedding day is like remembering a favorite childhood fairy tale. The memories almost have a pinky golden haze to them and they play out like an old scratchy home video to the tune of a distant clinky love song.
It's the same kind of nostalgia that Chevy Chase must have felt in the movie Christmas Vacation when he gets stuck in the attic & decides to watch old family Christmas videos....
It was the perfect wedding. After two days of tropical storms, the grey rain clouds had thankfully cleared up the morning of, allowing us to have our ceremony atop the roof-top patio as planned. My beautiful nieces were adorable in their dresses, my bridesmaids stunning, groomsmen handsome. My Mom & Dad walked me, in my gorgeous white dress, down the aisle, tears filled everyone's eyes (except mine) and my husband cried so hard when he saw me that people might have started to wonder if they were tears of happiness.... The ceremony was led by one of our best friends who guided us through our perfectly touching vows, in front of seventy plus of our favorite people and to top it off the evening reception was spent on a garden terrace drinking, laughing and dancing with the full November moon gleaming off the ocean behind us. It was perfect. And everything went off without a hitch.
It was the perfect wedding.
Out of sight of our family & friends, I spent the next two days bawling my eyes out...
People had warned me about 'Post Wedding Depression' or likely a more appropriate term, the 'Post Wedding Blues' many times before getting married and I'd brushed the idea off. It seemed rather absurd to me. To have so many events and ceremonies revolving around... YOU... and then to come away from it, wanting more.. or being sad about it?? It didn't make sense to me & it became a bit of a pet peeve when people mentioned it, as if to suggest that I would be so ungrateful or selfish, or perhaps I just didn't want them to jinx me.
But there was no denying it, I had the blues and I couldn't even really explain why. The night after our wedding, we had booked a 'private dinner for two' on the beach. We were served by a wise and caring Spanish waiter named Candido who must have been confused as he brought wine and lobster to a concerned groom holding his crying bride's hand as she used both of their napkins to wipe away tears. I spent the evening trying to explain to my new husband why I was so heartbroken after what was 'supposed' to be the best day of my life. (I can't help but smile when I think of how graciously he handled it all.)
At the time, the reason I gave was... "I didn't cry."
It's true. I didn't cry. During the whole ceremony, through everyone else's tears & emotions, through the touching music, through my parents walking their baby girl down the aisle, through seeing my fiancé cry harder than I've ever seen him cry before, I stood there, smiling like an idiot.
This was me.
This was Ryan.
Now, I know this sounds ridiculous & really it's quite a lame excuse.... You might be thinking (I'll never get the last 5 minutes back...) or maybe that I should just be grateful that my makeup wasn't running down my face and I don't disagree, but let me explain.
For weeks before the wedding, I had been an emotional wreck. Every time I saw a wedding video on YouTube...I'd cry, every time I'd think about Ry... I'd cry, think about walking down the aisle...cry, think about my vows... cry... I was so excited, so happy, so emotional. And for this reason, I expected to feel all these things and then some on my wedding day and though there's no denying that I was excited and happy... I was mostly... NUMB.
Everyone tells you "Relaaaaax.... Take it all in... Enjoyyy it"'....
I felt like a deer in the headlights. Everything had happened so fast and with everything that I was feeling from nervousness to excitement, in the end, it had kind of felt like nothing more than a blur.
My day was over and all I wanted, was to have it back. And let me assure you, this isn't coming from a selfish,spoiled 'ME, ME, ME' perspective. I want back the morning that I spent getting ready with my four amazing bridesmaids, who double as my closest friends. I want my father to walk into my room to see his baby girl in her wedding dress and wink at me, I want my parents to walk me down the aisle just one more time, I want to see my husband cry so hard at the sight of me that he almost couldn't stand... I want to watch little girls dance in their white dresses under the Mexican moon, hear loved ones read hilarious and loving speeches, I want to be far away, surrounded by all of our friends & family who blessed us with their presence alone... And this time, I want to take each & every moment in, taste it, smell it and feel it completely.. because it was likely the most special day, (not to mention) week that I have ever had in my life.
The advice I will give to you on this was shared with me by my best girlfriend who recounted the story of her own wedding, years before, when she had opened up her wedding photos to see that for most of their reception, one length of her pearl necklace had tightened and made a choker around her neck. And because her husband, her family and all of her NINE bridesmaids still thought she looked stunning, no one thought to fix it & we left it the way it was... 'making her look like Madonna.'
She bawled her eyes out for two days...
To all of my sweet brides-to-be, you've heard it before but I'm here to confirm, beyond the shadow of a doubt for you. Your special day that you've been planning everyday for the past year, will fly by at the speed of light and at the end of it all, you will be a wife and you will want to hit the rewind button again and again and again... but you can't... and this might break your heart. It did mine.
When you look back, there may be things that didn't 'go as planned' or things you didn't expect. These things may break your heart because you feel like you only had that ONE chance to make it perfect.. and in your mind you might think you blew it...
...this will likely cause you to 'bawl your eyes out for two days... or maybe 2 weeks...' or however long you need, but one day in the not too far future, you will remember your wedding day as if it's a long lost friend that you wish you could see again. In the end, the chair covers, centerpieces, flowers, tuxes, wedding favors, pearl necklaces & lack of tears and everything in between won't matter... (so don't get too hung up on those things).. in the end, you will have married the love of your life in front of all the most precious people in your life. Remember this.. the ONLY thing you need to make a wedding 'perfect' are the people you love.. the rest is just.. 'stuff.'
So on that note:
Let's All Agree... To Bring Wedding Videography Back
Let's All Agree... To Take Our Vows More Seriously
There have been a million weddings, a million brides, a million dresses, tuxes and rings... but when you get married, it feels like this is the first time this has ever happened to anyone.
It's okay to feel that way. Soak it all in & appreciate it for what it is. Let your friends do special things for you, make you feel important and buy you pretty things.. and then when it's their turn, return the favor 10 fold.
And if after your big day has come and gone and you are inexplicably heartbroken about it... I'm here to tell you that it's okay to feel that way too. It's more normal than you know and soon you will remember back to it as 'the perfect wedding' for no other reason than because it was yours.
Just remember to "Relaaaaax.... Take it all in... Enjoyyy it"....
Hi, I'm Lindsay! I am the self proclaimed soul-mate to my hubby Ryan and wannabe philanthropist. I have a passion for writing, street bikes, & rescue dogs. This blog is a random compilation of my daily (formally diagnosed) ADHD thoughts and activities as I try to make the world a better place.